I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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