God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
