I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
