He kissed a someone with a penis
So squirting runs in the family.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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