There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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