I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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