i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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