My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
