I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
