is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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