I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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