You just made me feel so damn special
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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