So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
