I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
