i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
