I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
