Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
