I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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