i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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