I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
