R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
