Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hate your face
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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