i think i have two assholes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
