I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
40s are totally the cure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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