im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
