His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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