no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
