Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
