thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
