The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
