My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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