My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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