Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
