he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
