Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Are we in a gay sports bar?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
