just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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