3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
