my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
