Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
