Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
