Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
