Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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