I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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