somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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