wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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