just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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