Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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