I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
