Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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