i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
