How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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