He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
