She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
