Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
