dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
